i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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