that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I love having hate sex.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Everyone says I win the strip club
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
