just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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