listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
