I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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