I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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