So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
