Where are you?
In a non slutty way
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
