I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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