You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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