you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
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i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
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I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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