Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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