There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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