My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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