I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
