he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
