she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You took a bar mat shot.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
