I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
