At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
