I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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