If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
