I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
