and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
