y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
