Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
How external is "for external use only"?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
