when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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