Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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