I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Rumble strips road head = magical
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
