and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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