You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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