My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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