i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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