Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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