The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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