I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
