y did u give ur computer a hand job?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
