I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
