Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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