turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i believe in u and ur pee
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