Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
