her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
