I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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