You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
