I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
