My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
