Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
