There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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