Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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