Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
