Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
