He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
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She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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