margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
